A time for grief (Star)

Star didn't know what to do. She just layed there, still as a grave stone.
Star was lost within her own thoughts, oblivious to the world around her.
She felt like she was crushed under the weight of her own existence, a existence she never asked for.

Star had lost so much, and she wasn't about to lose who she was for anyone.
Part of her considerd running, leaving all the bull shit behind and fleeing to New Zealand or some Scandinavia place where her feeding type would be plentiful, and the nights would be longer. But she didn't think she could get there without getting caught in the Gangrel's Gate. And she had a better chance of surviving in NewYork then some strange unknown place. She was born and raised here after all. New York was her home, weather she was alive or dead.

Star really had no desire to return to the Sword, but she was starting to question that she had made a huge mistake joining the Tower and trying to become a Knight.
Of course they were a lot better than the Sabbat, who she actually has been growing to despise. She despised them as much as she despised herself.

<.. .. What the fuck am I supposed to do??..... .>
She thought, as she was starting to feel very trapped in this city, this room and a cell of her own creation.


Star thought that she only had a few options in front of her if she had any desire of picking herself up off the balcony floor..

One, play the game of deception. Hide all she believed and never let anyone see her for who she truly is. This would take insurmountable amount of effort she didn't know if she had within her. She would need to wear a carfuly designed mask to cover up who she really was, so she could please people and live up to the ideas of others. Star knew that doing so would mean becoming a shell of herself, caving to the wants of others and lose herself along the way. But One can only hide who one is for so long lieing to everyone around her... and she didn't know how long she could last doing that. Sure she was a good manipulator, but eventually everyone's cracks would show.. .

Two, She could give up and give in. She could forsake herself, and everything she belived to become someone she couldnt reconize. She could just  let the Ventrue elders remake her, destroying any semblance of herself in the process and becoming what ever the elders wanted to use her for. <...Nothing but a tool... Dad was right... They will try to remake me.. I dont want to loose myself just to become someone I'm not..  >
She thought... In essence this was a death sentence, and she was far too stumbran for this, she would rather greet the sun than be a puppet.. Star left the Sabbat so she wouldn't be a puppet anymore, and she would be damned if she let anyone do that to her on this side of things.

Star thought that there had to be other options, but none at the moment were coming to mind. Her thoughts were to fixated on sorrow and regret.

Another option piped into her mind ...
... <... I could just end it all... >
she thought... .
But that would be the cowards way out. And  she hardly consider herself a coward.
She was a fighter and a survivor, and even though at this moment in time she really didn't care if the sun rose in the sky behind her and she met her end, she knew it would not be the glorious death from combat she desired.

Star couldn't think of any more options, the hole in her soul only seemed to be growing larger as the minutes ticked on.

She finally lifted her head to try to look up at the Stars in the sky. They have always given her insperation and comfort....
Yet the two things she needed most they didn't seem to provide.

Star simply tried to clear her mind of all thoughts and close her eyes, while part of her wished for death, while feeling like the whole in her soul was growing larger then she could handle.
Star did not move, she simply stayed as still as a carved piece of marble , letting the cold night air brush agaist her under the stars that seemed so distant and silent over the hue of the Lights of the neighboring skyscrapers..

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Star didn't move, she didn't even open her eyes, everything seemed to take so much effort. She felt detached from her physical self, like she meerly the driver of a vehicle and she had the parking break on.
She hadn't quite felt the realization of this in a long while, not since that 1st night she had to force her limbs to move to dig herself out of that grave. Her body never quite acted "natural' and every movement seems like a chore until she got used to it.

Star found that the strange brand she had aquired during the battle at the chess club actually feelt strange. It took more effort than Star  wanted to exhume to reach up and feel the battle scar.

Strangely the dull annoyance of the odd pain was comforting ... It was like the only part on her that felt still alive. This was a strange thing to her, and it drew her curiosity.

Star ran her fingers over the mark, judging what part she felt more, the sensation of her fingertips touching the mark or the sensation of her skin being pressed on by her fingertips.

As Star did this her mind traveled back to the battle at the Chess Club as she recalled key points of the battle in her mind.

<...fighting those monsters was insane.... I can't believe I survived... Only walked away with a scar. I was Damn lucky...
I thought for sure after spitting in that werewolf face he was going to rip my head off ...>
Star thought to herself with a soft chuckle, then she remembered what happened after that. The blast of unimaginable pain that seased her whole body and she could swear it seeped into her soul.

<...thank god those humans were able to heal me... Again I owe so much to my Prince. >
Star paused for a moment in thought..

<...I owe too much to my Prince to give up... If not for him I would be destroyed... I will not squander the gift he gave me by pardoning my life ...>
Star thought as she pushed aside thoughts of wanting to die. What ever life she had now she would have to make the best of it, even if she still felt miserable.

<...the best of us can find happiness in misery ...>


Star thought about her life as the creature she was now. She felt the beast inside her roaming around like a caged animal, a unwelcoming feeling she would never be able to shake. She wanted to hate it, but she understood it just did as it did. The beast seemed always alert, even in slumber. Its only desire was to eat, kill, and survive.  It was just in its nature to be itself, to get mad at it would be simply like getting mad at a dog for not being able to drive a car or understand math.

Star sighed... She felt the scar once again with her fingers wondering if all vampire scars felt like this. Then she wondred if vampires even get scars. Star started to ponder this, she couldn't quite recall actually seeing any scars on anyone other than Philip, unless you count the twisted ugliness of the Nosferatu or the abnormalities of Clan Gangrel.

<..Maybe Vampires chose not to keep scars... Or they just go away over time..>
Star though, ether way star thought that the Mark was rather cool looking and was a good contrast against the Perfection of her vampiric skin. A symbol of "no one is perfect".

Suddenly, an image came to her mind.… Valentine

Star's thoughts froze for a moment on the image of Lord Valentine. He was a true King,  he was powerful,  respectful, comanding, mysterious, and damn sexy.  Vallentine was Everything Star wanted to be.

Star cracked a smile at thinking about Valentine and she fixated on his beautiful eyes. Star had felt so honored to fight for him in the Chess Club battle, she never asked for anything in return from him or the Ventrue, all she wanted was a opportunity to become a true Ventrue and a Knight.

Now that she got that, it was her responsible to make something of her self. She was not a quiter and she wanted another opportunity to fight for the knights and Lord Valentine again. There had been so many People that had given her a chance to be better then what she was, people who saw that she had potentical. She couldn't give up.

<.. Every presious stones needs to be polished to shine. Diamond after all are not created with out pressure. .. If I am going to shine I need to become better than I am.... I got to stop being So damn stubborn....>
Star finally said to herself and stoped feeling so pathetic and sorry for herself.
<...I WILL SHINE!>

At some points she even had the impression that it was ticklelish, not just for her, also to her Beast within.

<...what?? I... Can "feel" that... >
The sensation was far beyond what she expected from her body and what she had become used to with out the blush active. And the fact touching it caused a strange reaction in the beast made her want to touch it more.


Feeling the strange "ticklish" sensations of mark was more than enough of a surprise to get Star's ass up off the floor and rushing towards the bathroom to examine herself in the bathroom mirror.. The only other mirror in the room she didn't break.

As Star entered the bathroom and flipped on the bathroom light, she stripped off her top, pulling it down and tried to get a better look at the mark as she paws at it.

Star couldn't help but crack a smile at the sensation and become fixated on it and watching the beasts reflection as she examined it in the mirror.

<.... Is this... Normal? .. Maybe its just because its still new and healing....

Wait... That doesn't make sence ... My body is dead... But.. Am i going crazy or does this spot.. Feel.. Alive?.. .>

Star was very surprised both by the strange mark's glow and the feelings she felt when she touched it. Star watched the beast's reaction with great curiosity. She had never seen her beast react in such a favorable was to anything like this before.

Star continued to play with it, caressing it softly and feeling her fingertips around its strange spiral pattern. A pattern she truly didn't notice until now, she just thought it was a random scar. but now upon examining it closer it looked more like it was something created with purpose, or at least not created at random.

As star touched it she tryed to remember at what point In the battle she was struck in that spot with a weapon to grant her such a mark.  Star couldn't recall.

<...when did I actually get this?? ... It wasn't fighting that huge blob monster...  Humm... Then..It had to be when I fought the Werewolf.... He hit me with pain... I rember that... pain surged through my whole body... I was covered in some kind of taint... But I was cured of it. ... Could that taint have permanently damaged my body?... I feel fine though... how strange....
>
Star thought as she pondered over it.

<...well.. The beast likes it and it looks kinda kick ass.. So.. Its not that bad.. But... Wait.. Is it glowing?... >
Star reached over and flipped off the light in the bathroom so she surrounded by darkness and staired at her reflection in the mirror

Star smiled at seeing the beasts reaction, and continued to gently caress the mark just to enjoy  actually feeling something on her cold dead flesh that felt alive and watch the beast start to calm.

Star couldn't help but wonder if it was some think magical about it. Clearly it wasn't just a battle scar like she thought it was.
▂▂▂▂▂▂ STAR ▂▂▂▂▂▂
" ... Not sure what this is but it might be able to help me calm my anxiety and anger. .... And humm.. You seem to like it my Beasty... I'll have to remember to rub this spot just before slumber. "
Star said softly to her reflection as she watched it in the darkness of the bathroom.

Star eventually fliped back on the lights again and started to speculate about the Beasts reastion to the strange mark and how she was touching it.

▂▂▂▂▂▂ STAR ▂▂▂▂▂▂
" ... Maybe what ever this is ... Its tied to you more closely than the flesh of my body... Kinda like its almost part of your skin and not mine.... Not really sure if that makes any sense though ... But this isn't a normal mark.. . "

Star debated for a moment if she should tell anyone about it. It didn't seem to be causing her any problems at the moment, a little strange but the Beast seemed to like when she touched it. And it was allowing her to feel things, also it was aestheticly pleasuring to Star.

Star looked at her Beast's calm expression and smiled.
<.. Yeah this is cool...>

She thought, but couldnt help but wonder why she had it. Her body was cured of taint,... Well according to those strange doctors. And she healed her body back to perfection. So why was it still here...

<..It had to be magic... But If that werewolf did gave  me such a mark, what porpoise would it hold? ....
It dosent really look too much like a accidental scar ... It looks like a branding of some kind almost...

He did leave me alive.... Why?... Any why do I have this mark... Does it mean something?

Humm... Maybe its a occult symbol of some kind... I should hit up a occult book shop and ask about it.. Or maybe even ask a Tremere... Ugh... Maybe not... Trusting a warlock with anything is usually a bad idea.
If it is some kind of magic symbol I doubt they would tell me the truth about it...

Though that Stratus guy seems different from the other Warlocks I met. Maybe they are not all uptight sh!tsheads. ... Guess it could never hurt to ask him next tim i run into him... I might want to ask around though... >

Star thought as she left the bathroom to head to the bedside table to grab her note spade and pen.

Star spends a few moments drawing out the  strange spiral symbol down on the pad of paper to the best of her abilities.

Star wasn't quite sure who to even ask about such things. She thought if it was magical she probably would not find its meaning in some new age occult book store.

For now she just kinda sat back on the bed running her fingers over it softly as she felt the clam start to rush over her beast and dispelled her anxiety and Anger that she had been building up over the past few nights.

Star lays back on the bed, closing her eyes and starts to relax as she "pets the beast' within her.

▂▂▂▂▂▂ ROLL ▂▂▂▂▂▂
Dex 3 + performance 2
Star carried out 5 launched of one (Roll.) :

5 , 9 , 7 , 10 , 9

Star admires her excellent drawing while she sooths herself rubbing the scar on her shoulder.